Lonely

Another Monday has come and gone

My beloved is not yet home

Another week wait I must

Forever with waiting is my life to be cursed?

My beloved has gone home.. I feel so empty when he's not here..

Poetry or Prose?

Here is one of my latest.. Of late I can't fall asleep until around two in the morning.. Usually I spend the time browsing for jobs and admissions or chatting with my beloved but today, I wrote this..

She smelled so sweet, Jasmine white

When I plucked her in the twilight

I held her close all night long

Breathing in her scent, that was now so strong

I didn't want to let her go, even in the morn

By her side I wanted to begin every dawn

So I kept her between the leaves of an old book

But not before I stole at her, one last look

When I came back to her, it was too late though

One look at her and I was filled with sorrow

Jasmine white no longer, of her former self, just a shadow

Only a faint fragrance left behind, to remember her on the morrow

Afraid of losing her, I held on too tight

But she was not meant to be just mine, Jasmine white

I wrote this poem because as I was tossing and turning in bed at two in the morning, I had this strong mental image of a Jasmine that is plucked so that her scent may be enjoyed by only one whereas the flower wants to send its scent out to all, to be enjoyed by all.. I likened the flower to a girl because I know of girls who can be so much, do so much.. Yet they don't coz of their guys (who believe they have only the girl's 'best interests' at heart or maybe they are just insecure about a girlfriend who is more talented or popular than they are).. Indian girls in particular are always taught to put their husband's (no boyfriends accepted in here!!) wishes and needs before their own.. I'm so incredibly lucky and thankful to God that I have my beloved who not only supports all that I do, but also encourages me to be everything I have the potential to be.. :)

Coming back to my poetry, this is the way I usually write poems.. Inspired by some strong mental image.. But somehow I feel I could write better prose than poetry, inspired by these images.. Something I have been meaning to do for a long time now but never got around to.. One of my ambitions in life is to write a book some day.. I don't care if it turns out to be a textbook of Biochemistry.. I just wanna write a book..

One thing at a time?

Turns out there are no vacancies whatsoever in my university.. I had hoped to get a job close to home coz it would be easier to prepare for the PhD entrance exams I'm planning to take.. the reason why I haven't applied for jobs anywhere else.. I guess this means that I can concentrate better on my prep for the exams.. But I'm not really doing that either.. Not very seriously anyway.. The problem is, this feels like a vacation.. which is not right coz I've nothing to go back from vacation to.. I've really got to stop being so lazy and get serious about where I'm headed..

It's time to go job hunting.. I applied to the post of a lecturer in two institutions of my university yesterday.. I'm hoping for the best.. Good luck to me :)

Hip Hip Hurray

Finally the results are out.. And I've passed in the First class.. I'm so happy.. I literally jumped for joy in front of the notice board.. Finally I can sleep in peace tonight :)

Beginning of a pause

My beloved and I went on what might be one of our last trips to Mangalore, today.. Atleast for a while, since my beloved will have to go back home after the results are announced and may not return for a while .. Since the place we stay in is a tiny town, albeit a university town, with not even a multiplex to its claim, we like to go to Mangalore when we really wanna chill out.. Watch a movie.. have some pizza.. shop (both of us love to dig for hidden literary treasures in every book shop we can find).. or just walk hand in hand in the streets of Mangalore.. Something we cannot do back home.. In fact Mangalore was where we went for our very first date..

All the memories of that date and all the subsequent ones came flooding back to me today.. I'll miss him so badly.. I'll miss the long bus rides to Mangalore and back.. I'll miss going around Mangalore in autorickshaws with his arm around me.. I'll miss putting my arm through his while watching a movie.. I'll miss looking deep into his eyes while sitting opposite to each other at restaurants (though that embarasses him a lot).. I'll miss going to the book shops we discovered.. I'll miss the chats we would have about our dreams, ambitions and plans for the future on the bus ride back.. I'll miss you beloved, more than anything I've missed in my whole life..

The terror is now giving way to an empty sort of feeling inside. I'm trying my best to fill it with catching up on my reading, watching a lot of television, surfing and of course, some work.. Two projects that are still pending.. But something is missing.. Its time now to go out into the real world.. Get a job while I apply for PhDs, prepare for my GRE.. But I feel so tired.. I don't know if I'm being lazy or its just the fear of failure that's holding me back.. Either ways, I've got to shake it off.. I shall begin by rising early and excercising a little.. Tomorrow, because I have to and after that, because I ought to.. I want to do things, be somebody again.. Regain my confidence.. As the Arien in me reminds me, "Tomorrow is another day."